Panic in the Year Covid-19

16 bars of Irish Spring soap (green), 3 tubs antiseptic wipes, bog roll (toilet paper), duct tape, bin liners (handy for corpses), batteries ($40 FOR D-CELLS!!); it's endtimes in Trumpland, and the Male Trailing Spouse has been prepping for panic, if not the pandemic itself...

 

That's right, Tiger. It's doomsday (MY GOD!). End of the line, baby. Last man standing, last man alive. Soon I'll be man-boobed topless and highly armed like Charlton Heston in a snuff remake of The Omega Man minus 35mm cameras, make up, stunt doubles or retakes. Last man alive or not, it pays to be heavily armed at a time like this because, constitutional rights outstanding, "Americans are nutters" (so says 'Er Indoors). Much like an epidemic, fear has a habit of growing exponentially and AR-15 assault rifles have gone down in price under Trump to compensate ($549 BOX FRESH BABY!)

Thousand-yard bog roll. Murder Kroger kitchen towels. Ted Bundy rubber gloves. Trash bags (BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!), and 16 bars of Irish Spring soap (FUCKIN' GREEN). Still waiting on a "military grade" respirator and spare carbon filters. The narrative of the last few months repeats in the mind. "Masks don't work," said a learned mate back home in Blighty. So did the Surgeon General right here in the USA. "Stop buying masks," he told us stupid Americans. Such protective face covers are "not effective" in preventing coronavirus and the run caused a shortage for health workers (the Australian health minister said much the same). Then the Surgeon General went on the box to tell us Yanks how to make one. Go figure? No need to figure. It's skank: how can there be such a lack of PPE? The land of 300 million guns only has 100,000 body bags. Go figure indeed. 

Back to my old mate in England.  Has he stocked up? No way. "Irresponsible media ramping up all this bollocks here," he added. He's right. And so is the UK health minister, Matt Hancock. Hot soap and water for 20-seconds whilst singing the national anthem (God Save the Queen) is his advice. How many times a day should you wash your mitts? Yeah. You might get a spot of OCD to go with your Covid-19. Keep calm and wash dem clammy hands Covid-19 times-a-day just to be on the safe side.  

All this panic over pandemic takes me back 15 years to Bangkok and the H5N1 avian influenza scare. I recall getting a prep list from the UN office. Stock up with food, water and luxuries for 14 days of "self-isolation" (quarantine lite) and monitor the media for updates. This went on for some period of time. Avian influenza gave way to other scares (civil strife, martial law, floods,) and so we were always stocked up for the worst. And it pays to have luxuries to see you through the bad, too. Copious amounts of booze to go with binge watching Korean horror films on Netflix. 

Speaking of booze, I estimated that 14 days "lockdown" in home quarantine would require quite a bit of it. My estimation was 36 bottles. 12 red, 12 white, and 12 bottles of champagne; a case of each, to put it bluntly. How much beer? Maybe 3 crates. Cigarettes? A carton. Drugs? I'll leave the purhase of Class A and B substances to your discretion, loyal reader.

One good thing to have on hand during a pandemic of dystopian proportions is a fully stocked first aid kit. I opened the drawer in the en-suite bathroom to discover 3 of them fully stocked. Crikey. Best do an inventory more often. Same same with this fffing blog. I've not been trapped in the sarcophagaus of quarantine, no, I've been too busy living it to blog about it (Ed. Note: reads better in a Scouse accent). I've been on duty for Uncle Sam since last October. Been busy with a long standing bonkbuster project (5 chapters thus far) all summer. And I need to reboot my "career" as a "bona fide newsgatherer" (what it says on my NUJ card) in a world blighted by plague and poltical uncertainty. Mustn't grumble. It could be raining bombs. That's much, much worse (and a good thing to remember, too.)