Scoring Irn-Bru in Yankland

CX from Blighty: AOC goes bonkers for Irn-Bru?

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, aka AOC, the gorgeous, pouting, power-suited darlink of the Democrat Party, arrived at the COP 26 UN climate summit in Glasgow the other week (OR WAS IT LAST?) as part of a US congressional delegation. The New York congress-hotty spoke at a press conference and attended an event on gender and climate crisis alongside the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi. 

Being thoroughly modern and yoofy, AOC posted on Instagram that she wanted to try the fizzy orange soda Irn-Bru whilst in Scotland. "I'm trying to get my hands on some," she complained on social media, "where do I find it?  Do y'all have bodegas here?" The tizzy little Marxist-Bidenist! She also wanted to "touch Harris Tweed and see a castle". Americans, eh? 

You may well ask, what is Irn-Bru? Scotland's other national drink is a fizzy orange-colored soda, made from a secret formula, and the taste is...well, it's hard to categorize. Critics liken it to banana, or bubble gum; as "a highland stream mixed with casual violence" or "Ambrosia from Mount Olympus". 

AOC finally managed to get a fix when it was hand delivered to her by Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon. "The BRU got through," she "tweeted" on social media. In another thoroughly modern and yoofy Instagram video of herself trying the drink for the first time, the US congress-hotty gushed, "Oh my God, love it, love it. This tastes just like the Latina soda Kola Champagne." 

The caption on her Instagram post read, "I was so shocked at having something in Glasgow that tasted like home. However Irn-Bru is also very unique (OH NO! NOT THAT TAUTOLOGY!) on its own. It's got pizazz (OK SCARFACE!) Will bring some cans home to NY for sure!" 

Meanwhile, the grubby brewers of A.G. Barr were delighted. A spokes-jock said: "It's phenomenal that Scotland's ginger nectar has made such a splash with delegates from across the globe." 

A wee bit of history is needed at this juncture. Scotland's Coca Cola was first launched way back in Nineteen Hundred and One (1901) by a Scottish pharamacist called Robert Barr and his company, A.G. Barr.  Originally titled "Iron Brew", the parent company quickly changed the name of the soft drink because it wasn't actually brewed and there was a product on the American market with the same name. Like Coca Cola, its recipe is a corporate secret and only known to a few company higher-ups. However, in 2018, A.G. Barr halved the sugar content of Irn-Bru. Ironically, even with its older recipe, the sugar content of 34 grams per can is still less than Coca Cola (39 grams). Still, it's a lot healthier than a deep fried pizza (PIZAZZ?) washed down with Buckfast Tonic Wine (ISN'T THAT ENGLISH?) 

My first encounter with the Scotch Fizz was as a child in late 1970s Liverpool. "Irn-Bru" read the orange can in the bodega on Allerton Road, "Made in Scotland--from girders".  It was cheaper than Coke, Pepsi and Fanta. Like Tizer, Cream Soda and Dandelion and Burdock, it had a fuddy-duddy, olde time quality with "32 flavours". Yep. Not the best choice for a growing brat with mercury fillings but I've been addicted to the Scotch Fizz and its indescribable taste ever since. And, much like all good things, Scotland's most popular soda is bad for you. The sugar content might only be 16 grams a can these days but the product is made from cane sugar (and not high fructose corn syrup), loaded with caffeine (30 milligrams), E-numbers and food coloring; a combo that has well documented links to increased hyperactivity and sleep disorder. Hmm. Is this why Donald's Trump's golf resort hotel in Scotland has banned Irn-Bru from its premises? 

But its toxic combo of contents is a surefire cure for a hangover. A 750 ml glass bottle of Irn-Bru and two paracentemol will banish the worst case (Jamesie Cotter of the Two Ways public house, and BFF of Rab C. Nesbitt, can attest to its curative powers of recuperation). 

Living overseas, as a male trailing spouse, there are many things that one misses from the old country. Hungover in Bangkok, Thailand, you couldn't get Irn-Bru at Villa Bodega on Sukhumvit; however, hungover in Hong Kong, you could get Lucozade, Lemsip and packets of ten cigarettes but NO Irn-Bru... Benson and Hedges ciggies and Pizza (PIZAZZ!?!) Express in Hong Kong but NO, repeat NO, Irn-Bru. Yep. The only time that I would get to sample Irn-Bru was on the occacional trip back home to Blighty, and the local corner shop (bodega!?!) in Notting Hill. 

Imagine the surprise when I discovered that Publix, a supermarket chain with over 1200 outlets in the Deep South, stocks Irn-Bru. Sandwiched in the "International Foods" aisle, next to the Kosher crackers, Jamaican ginger beer and Thai noodles, is the British ghetto. Bisto Gravy. Oxo Cubes. Wine Gums. Rich Tea biscuits. Turkish Delight. And Irn-Bru! Down at the bottom! Next to Robinsons Lemon Barley Water and Ribena! There always some corner of a foreign supermarket that is forever England (AND SCOTLAND!) 

These days no trip to Publix in the Deep South (Atlanta) is complete without a sweep of the "International Foods" aisle for some Irn-Bru. They only ever seem to have 6-bottles on display at a time. It's $1.99 a pop. I clean them out. Would a case of Scotch Fizz be cheaper? As per the taste, there's a childhood memory of Ouzo not travelling to Notting Hill. There's something a wee bit off about the taste of Irn-Bru in Yankland. Is it the mix of fruit to soda? 31 instead of 32 flavo(u)rs? No. Due to Food and Drug Administration (FDA) restrictions on colo(u)r additives and labelling, Irn-Bru has been specially reformulated for the US market since 2002 using only FDA approved food dyes and colo(u)ring. And the plastic bottle boasts 100 calories. I am not sure if this is a good thing, or not.

But it's not just Yankland. Irn-Bru tastes kinda different. Is it because of the UK tax on sugary beverages and soft drinks in 2018? Some folks, mainly with Glaswegian accents, say that the change is noticeable but your loyal narrator does not percieve too much. Still: 16 grams of sugar is infintely better for your teeth than 34...

100 calories. Half the sugar. No dodgy food dyes. Or colo(u)ring. Irn-Bru has never been healthier. But now that AOC is on the gear, will the prices go up at Publix in Yankland? I noticed that with Sergio Tacchini tracksuits and Diadora trainers. Will the same happen to Irn-Bru? Will it become a staple of hipsters and on sale at Trader Joe's as "Scotland's premier soda"? Thanks to the blessing of AOC, it just might.