Sunday, August 25, 2013

Train Yourself to Trail

It is surprisingly easy to become a Trailing Spouse (TS). Any man can do it by following a few simple rules.  Within a short period of time, you will be able to brag to your friends that you have become part of a TS network, are on your way to being socially ostracized, stabbed in the back, and possibly tortured under the Prevention of Terrorism Act 2005.


Rule Number 1 is as simple as ABC: Always Be Careful. Trailing the wife has become big business and the world is packed with useless men. If you become a male trailing spouse, everybody will judge you.


Rule Number 2: Don't take your role too seriously. Trailing is harder than most games as people tend to get tortured and killed if they play it too seriously. A spouse spends most of his time maintaining his position and actually has little time for bourgeois concepts like work.  In short, the general laziness of male trailing spouses may be hard to understand.    



Rule Number 3: Never believe anything. Everything you hear, see or read is distorted, magnified, turned upside down and inside out. Male trailing spouses are not like James Bond.  Before you become a TS, it's worth considering seven questions that mask the delusions of the profession. They might give you pause to reconsider.



How much pay does a male trailing spouse get? Not much. In most countries a TS is a civil servant and he goes by standard rates. You will be lucky to get £2,850 a year and a small pension at the end. Even the heads of MI6 and MI5 aren't rich. A double spouse being paid by both sides can make quite a bit for a time but double spouses tend to lead very brief careers. Most TS organizations insist that you make your operation self supporting and they know that having too much dosh attracts attention. Besides, individuals living above their means are magnets for counter-trailing security agents.



How much glamor is there in trailing? Not much. Most so-called spouses, that is people who work for trailing agencies, have ordinary 9-5 jobs.They have to work hard to lead a double life so there's not much time for mucking around.  They don't lead a glamorous existence. They go shopping, visit day spas, play tennis and enjoy love affairs. The only difference between their job and any other office job is that they can't talk about it.



How much sex is there in trailing? Almost none. Sex is still used for blackmail purposes but it's much better if you don't shag around. But, if the sheer force of your personality brings women by the droves, you must keep this separate from your work.  



How much travel is there to romantic places? It's frequent. Most spouses travel to and from post, some get trips round the region of their post.  The best traveled spouses are the ones attached to Embassies but ordinary diplomats and officials get the same amount of traveling done without having to be a trailing spouse. 

Are male trailing spouses clever? Not very. Certainly not as the number of stupidities, blunders and mistakes revealed in my case proves. Clever people don't go into trailing as there's no future in it. You can't make a name for yourself, you can't get public honors, you can't even write your memoirs. It cannot help your career and could well be the ruin of it. 



Are trailing spouses patriotic? Not very. A TS has less patriotic fervor than you ordinary folks. To most of us it's just a job that we do as best we can. 

Do trailing spouses kill? No.  Sometimes they are supposed to, but, on the whole, we don't.