Sunday, January 31, 2016

Anatomy of Yankland


Last summer Scott Waters, a fat American with a beard, took a biking holiday in the UK and wrote a humorous list of what he saw on a Facebook post. It soon went viral.


"Everyone loves this American tourist's random observations about Britain," said the Telegraph. "Whingings from small island become social media sensation, said the Times, and, according to the Sun, Waters was the "Yank who nailed quirky Brits".


Oh really?     


I have been living in the USA for three and a bit years now and here's some of what I have learned:


* America is a violent country. Alexis de Tocqueville wrote in the 1830s: "At the slightest quarrel, a knife or pistol comes to hand... it is a semi-barbarous state of society."   


* The authorities spend more money on prisons and law enforcement than any other country in the world.  

* America is supposed to be a cultural melting pot but there is an absence of trust between White America and its various ethnic communities.

* There are lots and lots of angry white men with mustaches and guns who are scared stiff of poor African-American communities.

* But, just like England, the cops like shooting harmless black men dead. 


* For a country that used to pride itself on not having a class system, Americans are extremely class conscious (and I mean that in the very Karl Marx sense of the term). 


* Americans are soap opera characters and drama queens who like to have the last word. Let them. It saves a lot of bother.

* When white Americans say they hate Obama and prefix it with "not because he is black", they are lying.  

* The average American person is afraid of their neighbors and the government. 


* Americans are gripped by fear and greed. They fear what they cannot control or understand and this makes them angry and irrational. But some experts think this might be to do with lead poisoning being responsible for making them violent and stupid.

* Bars are not as good as pubs.

* No one buys you a drink in the pub.

* American beer is piss.

* American food is bland and has no taste.

* Americans eat with the fork in the right hand. 


* They love guns too much.

* Everyone is just a little bit fake.

* Everything is new, big and crap.

* They drive on the wrong side of the road!



* Refrigerators and washing machines are too big.

* You will need an adaptor for electronic devices.

* They don't have hot and cold water taps (faucets). 

* “Fanny” is not a naughty word, neither is “shag”.

* The only guys with style are African-Americans.

* The police like shooting dogs. 

* They don't have Stonehenge. 


* Chips are "French fries" and you have to ask for vinegar. 

* Biscuits are "cookies" and crisps are "potato chips"

* America is a nation of conformists. Everyone dresses the same, speaks the same, thinks the same.  

* Nearly everyone is less educated then we are.

* They don't know much about politics or history. 

* People carry guns in bars, restaurants and churches. 

* Many of the roads do not have "sidewalks".

* All of the homes have AC.

* Why don't they put on a jumper instead of turning up the heat? 

* Petrol is "gas" and is sold by the gallon.

* Americans are inconsiderate drivers.

* New York, Los Angeles, Chicago and Miami are different countries. 


* Americans don't travel and only 14% of them have a passport.

* Taxes are not built in prices. 

* No one likes walking. 

* American TV is better than ours. 

* They have a cruel sense of humor. 

* They don't like dogs as much we do.

* NPR is not as good as BBC radio. 

* The standard of journalism in newspapers is better than UK.

* Trainers ("sneakers") are cheap in the USA. 

* They don't have pint glasses in bars (pubs). 

* The beer has to be served cold.

* They don't have any good meat pies.  

* They have only just discovered alcoholic cider. And sausage rolls.

* Maybe they should discover snake bite? 

* Strangers say hello in the street.

* The money looks like Monopoly money.


* Most cars have bumper stickers.

* They don't have many old buildings. 

* Pudding is called "desert".

* Very few people smoke. 


* Americans have a tendency to defer to the wealthy.

* Soccer is not a religion.

* The public transport system is shit. 



* There are too many fat people.

* They watch too much TV and mistake the medium for high culture.

* You don't get a free bus and rail pass when you turn 60.

* They display their political + religious affiliations too much.

* The healthcare system is only good for rich people and even then the hospital tries to fleece you. 

* The coffee is overrated and the tea (Liptons) is scud (shit). 

* There are way too many people with guns.

* Err...

* That's it.

Toodle Pip! 

The Male Trailing Spouse